Moving Forward

So- how did it happen?

3 Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. 4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. 5 You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, 6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.

(Psalm 91)

I jump into the backseat of a friend’s car. The sound of my seatbelt clicks. The radio plays. An hour passes.

And there you have it.

A broken back, a battered face, a shattered self-confidence, and a challenged sense of hope were set before me by means of a drive home from a high school football game.

What is this foreign object that doctors call a wheelchair? Yesterday I could walk.

What’s the matter?

2 Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint; heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.

(Psalm 6)

What does a 14 year old think about when she awakes to that frightful word ‘paralyzed’ spilling from her surgeon’s lips?

I thought about basketball. I thought about how boys would never think that I was pretty. I thought about how I would never be able to run again, or take my little sister through the woods by our house. No more ice-skating, no more rollerblading. I gave my bike to my older sister, my skis were sold in a garage sale. All my friends’ houses had stairs; the doorways in my own home were too narrow for my wheelchair. So many things I had once taken for granted became merely a memory. Things like pressure sores, swollen feet, and unwanted conspicuity now sought to rob me of my vitality, my spirit.

Search your heart and be silent.

Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back.

(Isaiah 39)

It overwhelmed, it hurt. But, I was not withheld from the care and infinite wisdom of one so much wiser than me. He used this trial for my benefit.

What I gained was a new perspective.

This made it worth every sleepless night, every tear, and every blow to my silly pride. I learned to accept how differently I look now than I did before. I learned how to do the little things like climb up on my wash machine so that I could reach the dryer stacked on top of it. I learned how to maneuver a shopping cart while pushing my own chair at the same time and simultaneously talking on my cell phone. I learned the perfect technique of holding my grocery bags under my chin so that I could hop off the curb to get to my car. Most importantly, I learned what a blessing it is to pray; what an incredible gift it is to open a Bible and find the secret places of my Lord’s heart poured out for me, a sinner.